Earthquake Etiquette

Ed Tasca

Well, earthquake season is here again on the beautiful pacific coast of the Americas. As we all know, there are many people who just love the west coast for its climate and lifestyle, and have no problem living in what the experts call “seismologically active regions” of our continent, of which Mexico is a significant part. “Seismologically active regions” is a textbook description of places where your cute little adobe cottage can all of a sudden be gobbled up by your garden fish pond (a horrible prospect, especially after all those wonderful Feng Shui plans you had). Scientists tell us that the Pacific Ocean floor is apparently conveyor-belting eastward underneath the ocean, driving us all (even as we sleep) closer to Asia every day - possibly, some believe, as a wily Japanese trick to annex Disneyland.

Apparently émigrés to California and Mexico aren’t cowed by the idea that psychics and scientists have been predicting for decades that California and northern Mexico are about to splash off into the sea until taken over by Somali pirates, who will soon find themselves sending the financially-strapped land fragment back just to get rid of Schwartzneggar (although with luck they may keep Paris Hilton).

Hundreds of years ago, the native Americans took care of earthquake activity by simply throwing young children into volcanoes; and they kept throwing them in until the earthquake stopped, in which case they would record that number of sacrifices as the right number to achieve divine placation. They then propagated accordingly, being sure they always had an adequate supply of healthy youth (usually overseen by one weird tribal member who thought he spoke to Vulcan (or whoever it was he conjured up in his peyote-induced stupor). In a preposterous and bizarre sort of way, you have to admit that the scheme worked for them. It is still on the cutting-edge of seismic science when you consider how little in the way of quake prevention has emerged since. Although today, suspicions are growing that earthquakes may be God’s way of telling us to stop building cheap ugly condo-clones.

At any rate, knowing all this, you might want to learn a little about proper earthquake safety and etiquette:

First. Make every effort to choose a neighborhood that will always stay pretty much where you originally found it. One surefire way of choosing a safe location is by visiting homes in various neighborhoods. If you find that your neighbor’s living room and kitchen are divided by a ravine, you may wish to look across town.

Second. Pinpoint some of the potential hazards in your home and fix them promptly. For example, move a large, heavy bookcase packed with books to a safer place. Placing it out in the compost heap, for instance, takes it out of harm’s way, and frankly, can be a good way to solve the problem of what to do with the Great Books of the Western World you’re never going to read.

Third. Create a disaster evacuation plan. Demonstrate to family and guests how to zig-zag out of the house during a tremor. Be sure you zig-zag together and you know where it is you are zig-zagging to. Zig-zagging without knowing where you are zig-zagging can wear you out and get everyone separated from the only person with the Trail Mix.

Fourth. Make sure each family member has his or her place to drop down to for cover. If an entire family of four, along with elderly dependents, the dog and cat try to fit under the same kitchen table, it’s sure to cause a family squabble worse than the earthquake.

Fifth. Never let any family member under the age of five care for the injured.

Sixth. Conduct short educational discussions periodically about earthquake science – understanding P-waves, geological strata, slow-slipping quakes, and where to find the flasks of gin.

Seventh. Know precisely which household items you plan to take with you when you evacuate. Items necessary during an evacuation are water, non-perishable foods, first aid kit, prescription medications and phone numbers. Items best left behind: Bo-flex machines, X-Boxes, drum sets, Hummel Collections.

Above all, do not panic and start screaming at the first sign of a tremor. If, on the other hand, you suddenly find yourself in the basement when you thought you were having cocktails on the veranda, tell everyone to start screaming and making a lot of noise. Someone may be trying to find you under the rubble.

Order Ed’s new book, Lub Dub, today.

RoseHeart Publishing

www.roseheartbooks.com

rhp@roseheartbooks.com

Ed Tasca’s latest book provides a lot of laughs!